#So we get the characters intense emotions and relationships but literally no facts about them

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

Illinoise (the ballet/musical based on Sufjan Stevens' album Illinois) is eying a move to Broadway after its current NY run in Armory Park ends and im just imagining it taking off among the bway Fandom because 1 it's fucking amazing 2 it's gay and sad and will make you cry (but doesn't bury its gays) 3 the characters are broad enough that fanon can do literally whatever it wants with them

But then we'd have a whole Fandom obsessed with esoteric Illinois history which would be so fucking funny.

[yangsharperavery]

my carmy/sydney related thoughts on season 2

i think when digesting this show, it's done more easily when we see who carmy and sydney are as people and how they bring that beingness to their dynamic.

it's interesting to see the takes from people who are troubled by what they saw in this season in terms of their relationship.

i personally thought there was so much fascinating groundwork that was laid.

we knew when molly gordon was cast they were likely trying to introduce a love interest for carmy.

i was not shocked, i was not surprised. i literally expected it.

doesn't mean i wasn't rolling my eyes but i was well aware of what function she would play within the narrative.

but the writing is so sharp that there are a million subtle elements of carmy's character, and what we know about him up to this point, including what was illuminated by the christmas episode.

let's first talk about carmy's choices and behavior where it relates to claire vs sydney and the restaurant.

we know that carmy is awkward, isn't incredibly relationally experienced and has sacrificed everything for his career and specific level of skill.

he'd just been ruminating on expanding his experiences as expressed in the al-anon meeting.

we know this man is intensely grief-stricken and also that he's battling his own mental health.

we also know he's literally been bred from chaos and emotional tumult.

even him not going to his own brother's funeral makes so much sense after that christmas episode.

he couldn't stand to witness what that type of grief had done to his already deteriorating mother.

so he's trying to conceptualize fun.

notice he wasn't trying to conceptualize love or relationships or a partner.

it was literally presented and integrated as fun.

so he runs into this girl he used to a have a crush on and even then, he's not sold because he knows himself, he knows his priorities, his propensities toward self sabotage, etc so he gives her a wrong number.

yet she persists.

so to me, this may seem like a sign to him to give this a chance, do some exterior exploration of something outside of the kitchen and outside of his career and outside of his own neurosis.

so he's just going with the flow. trying to be "normal". not really knowing the content or context of anything. another reason why he wasn't even calling claire his girlfriend.

claire even brings up the fact that they'd hung out so much but didn't actually talk.

which is SPOT on because the audience only actually ever sees them talking about their careers or what they were like as kids/teenagers.

but you know who carmy DOES talk to? hmm, more on that later.

so claire is symbolic of this thing that was pleasant when he was younger, when he was less of this grown conglomerate of anxiety and disarray and sorrow. a part of him that's separate from all of his current worry and fixations and dysregulation.

him saying he loves her so much and that he thinks she's so great actually rings hollow because we, the audience, didn't actually get to see when and where that level of specific emotion or intensity occurred.

so off rip i don't believe him. i don't think about it in the context of if or when he and sydney explore anything, because it feels patently untrue to me.

and completely separate from sydney.

it's not earned. it's not rooted. it's not tacitly valid.

it's fine. it's a good time. it's some laughs and conversation and sex and a nice, normal person he has fond, nostalgic memories of.

and i think it's written that way on purpose!

so him professing this to other people feels like this way to continue digging a hole of his own distraction, his absence, his lack of attention to detail.

i completely understand the frustration that many feel about interpreting this like carmy was essentially choosing claire over sydney.

carmy was trying to have an unfamiliar and different experience and didn't have the depth perception, the self awareness and the internal regulation to recognize he was doing it to the detriment of something so deeply and irrevocably important to him.

as soon as sydney brought it up, he got defensive but then moments later recognized his errors and apologized.

she told him she didn't want to share his attention.

he told her she was absolutely correct and that she deserved his full focus.

what's fascinating about this part is they aren't even explicitly talking about the restaurant.

she says "me" and "i", he says "you".

uh. wow.

now even in the context of JUST the restaurant this is saying ALOT here.

him instantly apologizing and agreeing with her requests means a substantial amount.

carmy isn't an ass because he stood sydney up for the palate cleanser. or even because he went absent when he shouldn't have.

carmy is deeply troubled and wounded and suffering and he was grappling for something else to feel or do or think about besides what he's ALWAYS thought about and done and fixated on.

that's why he's unreliable, that's why he's haphazard and emotionally or energetically messy. he's coping.

that's why he knows he makes mistakes all the time. because he feels like he's a screwup in a lot of specific ways in his life so he's used to it.

he's not being malicious or cruel or even unkind to sydney.

and this isn't an excuse. it's a reason. it's what all the information we have about him up to this point is providing us.

and yes, his timing is godawful.

but he trusts this person so implicitly because he knows how talented and capable she is.

carmy does not know HOW to be a partner, of any kind. where would he have learned that? where would that have been modeled for him?

"this is what you wanted originally and i'm giving it to you."

so let's transpose the way carmy and claire are presented with how carmy and sydney are together.

he literally can't WAIT to hear what sydney has to say. about literally anything.

at any given time.

"say more please."

all he wants to do is listen to her talk. he wants to know everything about her. the personal stuff too, almost especially.

he listens to her so closely. in the first or second episode she loses her train of thought and he repeats everything she just said.

i don't even think it was restaurant related.

he brings up her mother not once, but twice.

he feels like he should have known that sydney lost her.

he wants to pour into and believe in her because he does. he already does.

he's ready to apologize to her because he knows what a mess he can be and often is.

he knows what his anger can do. he knows how he was conditioned and raised in the industry and he doesn't want that at all for her, least of all from him.

especially after she walked out last season.

he's hyperaware of it. he calms down instantly both times she does the sign for sorry that HE taught her.

he has this propulsion to NEED to know what's happening with her in the very moment something occurs.

he did it last season when she quit on the spot and he kept trying to talk to her when she was leaving.

he did it this season when she was frustrated and trying to say goodnight after carmy was actively telling everyone goodnight and to go home, yet he tried to talk to her when she was leaving.

"what?"

"i'm saying goodnight."

he was repeatedly ushering everyone out but because of the look on her face, carmy's like wait, "what's that about, what's happening?"

he can't stand it!

same with them outside last season when he brought her food and asked what was wrong.

if something is up with her, he reacts immediately.

if she's peeved, he wants to know why right away, he wants to know what to do to make it better, how to approach it, what to say, he goes out in search of that information in the moment it's happening.

sydney is his soft place.

he feels very anchored and tethered to her and i believe she feels the same with him.

sydney is his respite. his peace. the thought of her literally calms and stills him.

her being energetically seats him.

we saw it penetrate his seismic and consistent panic in real time.

that was clearly displayed for all of us to witness.

he doesn't want to be cruel or unkind or anything other than present and communicative with her.

i'd venture to say he actually doesn't want anything more than that, besides maybe the restaurant to succeed.

now sydney is in her "i have something to prove" era.

she is so driven and so determined but she's also a realist and is inundated and surrounded by all this proof that what she's doing may be foolhardy.

at the very least, it's incredibly risky. it's a jump.

and someone deeply ambitious and creative and tuned in and focused like sydney has such fear of failure.

because she knows what it often means for someone like her.

that's why she overextends herself so continuously.

she's often had to and she thinks it gets her closer to the opposite of failure.

she was not only aware of the gaps carmy's absence was leaving but also planning this tasting menu with a MILLION things on it because something was gonna be the star because it MUST.

and i think the carmy absence flares a bit of abandonment as well, like he's left her in a lurch.

she has feelings about that.

she finds out why he did, and TRIES not to have feelings about that.

that's confusing and she's already beyond stressed out so she tries to stuff it.

her success is so tied to her identity because she's worked so hard to get where she is and still feels like she's not where she wants to be.

so she wrestles with worthiness and worry and the financial climate of affability for restaurants. she's riddled with what if she can't hack it?

she has evidence of that being true in the past.

she has evidence of her past failures and those are what keep her up at night, not the infinite possibilities of her future successes.

and that's also why she picked carmy.

because she was always going to pick the best.

she was always going to follow the career and moves of the standout in the industry.

of the person that made the best meal she's ever had.

so if he's anal retentive or jumpy or doesn't call about changing the structural elements of their restaurant while it's happening, she deals with it because she picked him.

she chose him. and then he chose her.

(and then she lightweight chose him again when she came back)

so that's why when they're talking he so often checks in by looking her in the face, scanning her expression. he instantly picks up on something being off or wrong or him being "shitty".

or why when they're under a damn table, despite being peeved or annoyed with his disappearing acts, she lets out the most vulnerable, softest admissions about the perceived necessity of her contribution and future failure.

or why he responds with "i couldn't do it without you" so instantly, so rapidly, it's like it's etched in him. that's the quickest response he'd given to anything she said to him the entire season, she barely got the words fully out before he was verbally soothing her.

then he STAMPS this by saying "i wouldn't WANT to do this without you."

there was such an unexpectedly, viscerally aching quality to that exchange.

it's honestly searing.

i'm sorry are these wedding vows or are we talking about opening a damn restaurant?

or the way he says "you love taking care of people" to her when she talks about making sugar food.

that's also a stellar mirrored moment because i've seen a few people, i believe @eatandsleepwell is one, talk a lot about how that's one of carmy's main drivers and internal tenants.

they see so much of themselves in each other.

the buried parts, the unknown parts, the odd parts.

the parts they wanna work on. the parts they wanna exalt.

they are so similar. they are also quite different.

they have reflected one another in the narrative since s1 ep1.

they exist so flawlessly within the others interstices.

she wordlessly hands him pepto for his stomach.

he tells her he won't let her fail.

the pulsing undercurrent of sydney and carmy is pretty fucking palpable.

there's people on social media who weren't convinced or didn't ship them last season that have suddenly completely seen the vision.

whether the writers actually go there or not remains to be seen.

i don't necessarily trust that they will or won't to be honest because i know there are so many moving pieces and variables and factors.

ships get bypassed and messed up all the time.

i don't watch any shows for ship guarantees but i know how writer's rooms work.

i'd venture to bet that at least 1/3 of that room DOES have an interest in seeing something happen between carmy and sydney, (maybe even 1/2).

or at the very least the option to have it explored.

different people write different episodes, the showrunner/creator can scratch or add whatever.

scripts are TIRELESSLY edited and shortened.

yet there is alot that makes the final cut that points to the potent carmy and sydney marrow.

him giving her the captain reigns before they served for the first time, her saying 'let it rip'.

to me, sydney walked into that failing sandwich shop with a mission that day, they locked eyes and immediately fused.

something happened to the both of them in that moment and they largely don't even realize or can adequately reckon with its magnitude yet.

[michanvalentine]

So, I played Baldur's Gate 3, and I played it later than many others. All thanks (or perhaps it would be better to say fault?) of a friend who told me "you absolutely have to play it"! And so I did, completely losing myself in the world of Faerûn. It was really difficult to reconcile my duties as a wife and mother with the desire to play and discover everything about the plot and the characters. In fact, it took me forever to finish! Also because I am the classic player who has to go and sift through every single jar, corner or place forgotten by the gods to make sure I don't leave anything out. I'll start by saying that I played it completely blind and that it was a heroic playthrough. So here I am with my thoughts after finishing my first run.

Morween: Hi! I am a Seldarine drow. I am a cleric of Selûne. I'm a heroine! I spit in my father Bhaal's face and I'm proud of it! Oops! I accidentally killed an innocent bard...

I don't want to talk about the game and how well made it is in its entirety. We all know this, I think. I only need to talk about my very personal relational experience with the character who won me over despite my resistance.

In a roundabout way, while I was trying to conquer the beautiful Shadowheart, I found myself in a relationship with Astarion. I had fun with him at the tiefling party more out of curiosity than anything else, plus I didn't even think he liked me and that it was just fun for him too. Up until that moment we had done nothing but argue and clash over our respective visions of the world. And the “disapprove” message was constantly over my head (along with that of Lae'zel)! Nonetheless, having him around was a delight for this reason too (in addition to the fact that I found his jokes funny). The contrast and our discussions made the interactions seem particularly real to me...

I wanted to talk with him. First of all because I found our hypothetical conversations about getting killed or which of our companions to drink extremely funny. But I wanted to understand. And I wanted him to understand too. And every time I saw "the glimmer" I felt even more motivated to bring out everything he had inside. A lot of stuff, I later discovered...

Obviously at the beginning, as a player, I was trying to understand how the game worked and my female Durge was trying to understand who the people around her were and where their misadventure would lead her. So I only understood many things later!

Morween: Wait, ehm… Whaaat?!?! Am I the weird one or... no, never mind.

In any case, when Astarion thanked me for not giving him up to the blood merchant, I wanted to make this clear to him, so I selected the "I care about you" dialogue option. But I honestly didn't realize that this would mark the beginning of my relationship with him. Afterwards I didn't feel like reloading. Even if I had to abandon the beautiful Shadoweart (with whom I had only shared a bottle of wine and a passionate kiss until then). I thought that things had happened that way for a reason and my game, my choices, had naturally led me that way. Honestly, I had to stop with Gale too, because even my favorite wizard didn't disdain the company of Bhaal's offspring too much. And it broke my heart, because every single one of them deserves to be loved, dammit!

Morween: We got problems, you and I. Big. Deadly. Serious problems. But we're also so dangerously cute together!

What followed was an intense journey full of very strong emotions, as I think it was for everyone who played Baldur's Gate 3. I became attached to my traveling companions as if they were friends in the flesh. And of course I ended up falling madly in love with my pixelated vampire boyfriend.

He's truly a well-rounded character. The thing that literally drives me crazy is that he's a fucking vampire, a real one. A vampire who acts like a vampire and has all the instincts of a vampire. He likes killing, the smell of blood intoxicates him, he has a hunger that devours him from the inside, and he can very well lose control. Finally! An accurate and truthful depiction of what it means to be a vampire. And not just a spicy detail to add to a story for horny teenagers. So the character of Astarion earned admiration points from me. Why? Because despite everything he is able to travel with different "blood bags" without necessarily attacking them and sucking them to the core. It takes great willpower to keep such appetites at bay. And yes, I know, there's that first night when the pale elf tries to attack you while you are sleeping... but hey, surprise of surprises, everyone makes mistakes. Few are those who learn from mistakes. And Astarion is more than willing to learn, another of his qualities, and he is willing to do so throughout the entire journey!

Morween: Yeah, sure, I could judge him... If I hadn't also tried to kill him while he slept...

Side note, when the urge calls and Astarion finds himself in the same situation, he is ready to forgive Durge's mistake in the blink of an eye. Because he knows, dammit. What's more, he is willing to stay there, next to them, to help them control themself. And there I thought: fuck, I want to be there for him too.

Of course Astarion has his own personality, his own flaws; and I love him for it. He's a chronic liar, yes, and he's quite selfish with a nice propensity for lust for power. All perfectly explainable and understandable, considering his past. I was shocked at the amount of abuse he had to endure. I didn't expect it, not so deep, not so real and so detailed, especially for the psychological aspects and the reaction to trauma, considering we're talking about a character from a video game. And my heart broke. 200 fucking years under Cazador. It's no wonder he's a broken man, but not finished. And it's wonderful to see his survival instinct gradually transform into a real desire to live. He is a dangerous man (elf?) but the moment you realize that he can change, he can be rehabilitated, he can heal and be better (up to a certain point, he is still a vampire, a predator with the instinct of kill and with a passion for blood), you know it was worth it. No matter if as a friend or a lover, you are the hero he has been waiting for 200 years. And, for heaven's sake, when he trusts you completely he is capable of unprecedented sweetness and sensitivity. Of course he's still the scoundrel with the sharp tongue and easy sarcasm, but after all that's why he's adorable!

Morween: I confess, Mother Superior, saving the innocent is right, but it is too obvious and easy. Redeeming the bad guys is sooooo much better, that's a real challenge! What heroine would I be otherwise? How do you say... you are not interested? Yes, right... let's talk about Shadowheart.

So when at the end of his quest he thanked me for saving him from himself (even though I only gave him a nudge), with that honest smile on his lips, my satisfaction was immense. He knows, he appreciates, he has grown. He knows exactly what loving him means and is grateful for it. It took patience and a lot of trust, even when it was an objectively stupid thing to do. It took the ability and the will to go further, to see something in him, that he could be better, and to believe in him. Believing that he was enough just the way he is. This is loving someone and making them feel loved. And it was a beautiful conclusion to his story arc.

It also took a lot of delicacy, I would add. I played the entire game and experienced my relationship with the character of Astarion with the concrete feeling that losing him would have been very easy. After all, running away, hiding, even attacking, are perfectly natural responses to fear. And as we know he is legitimately terrified of everyone.

About this: when I met Sebastian it was another shock for me. I wasn't prepared. The whole sequence is heartbreaking, but what blew my brain was the response I got from Astariom when I asked him if Sebastian had hurt him.

God. In my mind the picture suddenly became untenable. No god answered his prayers, no hero deigned to save him and the only worthy salvation for him would still have been a stake in the heart because he was considered a monster. Cazador forced him into prostitution and when he was lucky enough he only had to live with the horrible knowledge that he had delivered another innocent victim into the hands of his master. Otherwise even his own targets would do violence to him, as most were not good people. And maybe in case of a failed delivery, Cazador would also punish him later. It is no surprise that he has learned to completely dissociate himself from everything, to become numb to the events and people around him.

For him everything and everyone was suffering.

And another thing that I really appreciated was the possibility that the game gives you to allow Astarion to rediscover himself and his relationship with others, to experiment with his own limits within a finally safe space (the camp, the companions, Tav/Durge).

In any case, for me it was a truly satisfying experience. I regret nothing, not even releasing 7,000 vampiric spawn into the underdark. Perhaps this is also why I was surprised when by browsing through various social media I come across so many cruel comments and harsh opinions regarding the character of Astarion. Everyone has their own sensibilities and tastes, obviously. But damn... how much repressed anger and aggression...

Anyway, I could go on for hours writing, but a treatise on the phenomenology of the Astarion was not my project! I just wanted to vent my fangirl soul a little and share my experience with you.

I'm currently starting my second run as Astarion. My plan is to conquer the beautiful Shadowheart without a certain someone getting in the way. Maybe, if my daughter and husband don't abandon me on the highway first, I might even consider a third adventure to sink into Gale's arms (and library)! I still feel sooooo guilty for dumping him, he seemed really hurt.

But for now... and they all lived happily ever after...

[lover-of-mine]

i'm fine with the bt scene being what it was because it showed what is. a shallow superficial relationship that is not being written as endgame so I'm fine with them not having a more emotional connection make it more obvious its BONES in s8.

Okay, I'm gonna say this and I need everyone to know I genuinely mean it, I'm not fine with it. I am tired of the show giving Buck and Eddie love interests that exist to have no agency besides girlfriend/boyfriend or plot device for an exposition dump. I desperately wanted to care about bt. Buck being bi is such incredible representation and I spent the whole season waiting to be convinced I should like T and bt together for anything beyond the fact that they are a queer relationship but I keep coming up empty-handed. I like being a hater right now because no criticism of him is allowed without someone screaming that you're homophobic or hate gay people and that everyone in the show is problematic why doesn't he get a pass too so I am grabbing on to every wrong thing about him the same way people are blowing the good things to justify my aversion to him. But the thing is, T is a character who's being written in a way that is so hard to sympathize with when it comes to Buck. He has this shell that makes him rigid and he has this dry sense of humor and he could be interesting if he was willing to bend a little bit for Buck. That relationship was not something I could get behind when T left Buck on the curb, because while I do believe T was incredibly justified in not liking the situation Buck put them in, he could've communicated that better before he was literally in the car leaving Buck behind, so there Buck was once again in a relationship with someone who left him because they can't handle who he is. That was the impression I got from that first date and I keep waiting for them to be cute for me to move past it and the show is giving me nothing. Why did they make the choice to not let T dress up for the bachelor party and indulge Buck when the job by definition requires for him to change into a uniform so he could've put in some effort? Why did he let Buck walk around with his face covered in soot when they could've shown us a shot of him cleaning Buck's face before they walked into the room holding hands and give the impression that there's more going on there than a few makeout sessions? Why weren't they affectionate at the ceremony? Why wasn't that conversation in the hospital, where it would've shown a level of care and that joke could've been seen as an attempt to make Buck feel better about what was going on? Why are they always two steps to the left of being cute or having any fighting chance? And that's ignoring how intertwined Eddie is with the beginning of their relationship because that's just disturbing. The triangle thing is annoying as fuck if Eddie was not gonna get confirmed as queer and the sides wouldn't actually connect.

I think narratively Buck and Eddie getting together is the thing that makes the most sense for both of their characters, but if that's not gonna happen, I wanna care about the people they're with. I love Buck as a character, I want him to have a nice love story if for whatever reason we are not getting buddie because love is the thing he's been searching for, and whatever bt has going is not it. And the thing that's killing me is that it could be. It's the same thing they did with Taylor because if Taylor was as intense about Buck as she is about the job, they could work, but the show made a choice to use the development of her character to stir away from Buck. And T, he's just there. And it's frustrating. I don't even wanna get into the comparisons between buddie and bt because imma be honest I'm still processing the way the show had T refusing to dress on theme and then had Eddie suggest matching outfits in the next scene, what even was that?? But the way the show constantly takes the chances they have to give depth to their relationship, looks it in the eye, and runs the other direction it's just........... yk? This is Buck's fifth relationship and I can't for the life of me look at it and see where it's going because they are making it seem like it's going nowhere. T parallels Taylor all the time visually, when it comes to screentime he's just a step above Ali, he's nowhere near as developed as Taylor was at this point. I had hopes for that scene when they started to talk about parents, for 20 seconds, I believed they were gonna give emotional depth to them, but they didn't. And I was literally sitting here begging them to give me something to care about when it comes to them if they are gonna keep them together but I have nothing to show for it and I hate it. There's no emotional connection, they will probably breakup at some point during s8 and I'm just gonna be there "oh wow another failed romance what a surprise" while they keep playing up Buck and Eddie's partnership and not letting them go all the way, and it's just tiring.

And this is ignoring the way we keep getting yelled at for not resonating with them. I sincerely don't want to hate them but I can't find a reason to care about them.

[chaifootsteps]

Honestly Episode 4 might be how I tap out. I wouldn't call myself disturbed, just more frustrated and disappointed. It told me all I need to know on how the show will handle the subject of abuse via Val and his relationships. Specifically how the abuse in them is framed. Angel goes through repeated sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, just the whole range really. Said abuse is shown in full to the view. They had something going for a moment there when Angel is freaked out about getting Charlie out before being noticed and then when Val throws him around in his dressing room. But then Poison happens and it's not. Great. Which is putting it so lightly. Not even bringing in the mess that is barely hidden fetish and Raph, it was just bad. Why so early in the series? Where is the pay off? Is this supposed to be the set up? Where does this go if we are this intense out the gate? Where is the slow build and horror in realizing just how far the abuse goes? I am begging for pacing. Then there is Vox who seemed more miserable about being called to go calm down his boyfriend than he was to lose to Alastor after the guy was absent for 7 years. You know, the guy who is his intense rival and seemed ready to literally short circuit the moment he knew Alastor was around? Why does he sound more miserable to go see his boyfriend just to calm him down?? Then he gets there and promptly gets shouted at, has a glass thrown at him, and get his phone snatched and broken. And it's played for laughs. Was he the target of anger? No, but this destructive anger was still directed toward him since he was there. I don't doubt for a second Vox is also a bad guy but like, come on now. If that was Angel in his place you know it would be framed as dead serious or lead into something serious immediately. But because Vox is an antagonist bad guy who is mean whatever abuse he gets from Val is funny and not worth being shown as bad and damaging. And the part that frustrates me the most? The fans won't say shit about it. Val abusing Angel is bad and sad and horrific and everyone roots for Angel to get away. Val abusing Vox is fine and funny and deserved and is just the other bad guy. Who gets a glass thrown at him by his boyfriend. Cool. I hate every second of it. Sorry if this was all kind of long. I'm just kind of tired of the flip flopping of "Abuse is bad and should be treated as such except right here or with these characters because it's funny".

Yeah, seems like you're in good company, and that a lot of people are tapping out. It sucks, but take comfort in the fact that the diehard fandom might be fine with it, but that pool is shrinking all the time.

[naranjapetrificada]

This is going to be long so the short version is this:

I convinced my therapist to watch the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 and now I have to confront a previously unidentified and terrifyingly deep emotional wound that could be as transformative to heal as it is terrifying to approach.

My therapist and I have a lot of let's say...demographic things in common that have made this the most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had, but also that just made me think he might like the show. It's no secret that ofmd has been a deeply moving experience for its viewers, and queer, neurodivergent, and/or people of color have written at length about the special ways it touches us (or doesn't). Those are three categories both he and I fit into and it feels relevant to say that for context.

So yes I thought he might like it, but I also wanted to pick his brain about Big Feelings it was giving me that I hadn't experienced with the same intensity with other media/fandoms. Y'all, he gave me a completely unexpected reading on the show (and its story and its fan works) and why it makes us feel So Much that I haven't seen anywhere before.

When I say Big Feelings, I mean like I've literally had to swear off a couple of pretty innocuous categories on AO3 ("Growing Old Together" and "Domestic Fluff") because they would devastate me in ways that I couldn't attribute to anything specific. Growing Old Together comes with the possibility of death separating them, which is heartbreaking, but that didn't feel like it was the thing that was gutting me. Domestic Fluff could probably be called the most innocuous tag ever, but anything that saw our blorbos settling down and watching the Revenge sail off into the distance was fucking me up as well.

There are plenty of reasons why OFMD makes queer people feel so much, but when I say this was fucking me up I mean like, well, remember when people outside of classical music started learning about appoggiatura? Like intellectually knowing why I was crying but at a loss how intense everything felt. And my therapist (who is as good at analyzing a text as he is at being a therapist) was like "oh, it could be all the grief."

The grief.

The audacity of this motherfucker (affectionate).

It's a romcom! It's a romcom that we were explicitly told would have a happy ending! It's a romcom where the characters will get to sail off into the sunset together like they want and like we want for them! Stede and Ed, after four decades of self-hatred and trauma and fear and isolation, somehow find each other. And one of the sweetest things about their story is that it's a late in life love story, because it's incredibly inspiring for someone to get to experience a part of life they thought wasn't for them. The inescapable fact that their time together will be shorter than any of us would like is sad but not unaccountably sad to me, because of how much joy they'll be able to cram into the time they have left. I could be wrong but I don't think that alone is the source of what's been overwhelming me.

Grief is a constant presence in the world-building and the storytelling because grief is a natural response to well, so many things about being alive. Grieving is some of the hardest shit any of us ever have to do, but it's also so universal and so many of the things that make us uniquely human also make grieving well, maybe not easier, but something we can endure and process through ritual, community, and the example of those we've witnessed grieving their own losses. Many kinds of grief come with narratives that you can accept or reject all or parts of, but the narrative exists.

But have you ever heard of disenfranchised loss? Loss that's not easily labeled or classified or given the time or space or understanding it deserves? Have you experienced a loss like that? Can you imagine how much more difficult it makes the grieving process?

Well what my therapist suggested, the thing that knocked me on my ass hard enough that I had to come have Online Feelings about it, is that eventually, we all have to mourn ourselves. Not necessarily in a "mortality is inevitable" way (that happens to everyone) but in ways that are often unique to people like him and me (black, ND, queer). Even if we work on ourselves, if we grow and heal our trauma and feel at home in our identities and our bodies and build beautiful lives, eventually we will be forced to mourn the selves that we never got to be in the societies in which we live and the selves we once had to become to survive this long.

And that mourning is a kind of disenfranchised loss, with no clear path forward. Obviously this conversation happened within the context of everything my therapist knows about me as an individual, but I thought certain things might resonate with other fans as well so I wanted to talk about it. The story of this bizarre little man and his remarkable second act and his lovely little found family and his incredibly beautiful love story (that we've been guaranteed will end happily) is still haunted by the specific kind of grief that comes from learning what's possible, and regretting that you didn't know it was possible sooner.

And does anybody have more delayed milestones, later-in-life discoveries, and/or need to invent places for themselves than those of us on the social fringes? Than those of us in societies unequipped for (or actively hostile to) the ways we exist and the things we need to survive and thrive? Than those of us who have to create our own narratives or be saddled with inaccurate or harmful narratives created by others, or even no narrative at all?

And narrative is so much. Narrative is everything. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and each other and that literally shapes our reality. So those story beats where we discover something better than what came before are inherently stories with loss and will require mourning, because we mourn loss.

Even when the story has a happy ending. Especially when the story has a happy ending for someone who never thought they would be allowed to have one.

I mean just like, FUCKING HELL. I can't blame anyone for this but myself. I know my therapist. I know how insightful he can be. I did this to myself and now I have to live with it. But my god is it a massive mountain I'm about to have to climb now. My therapist and I have always found it helpful to discuss media that makes me Feel Things (see all the trauma work that came from Life is Strange) but if you had told me that I'd be looking into this new dark cave of unprocessed shit thanks to what I thought was just gonna be a harmless little gay pirate show starring fucking Murray from Flight of the Concords I would probably just have assumed you were in the middle of having a stroke and taken off to get you the medical attention you desperately needed.

[misc-obeyme]

Thinking about Lucifer knowing Spanish, and I love the idea that he picked it up on his own (HELP, IMAGINE HE LEARNED IT SUPER FAST BEFORE THE EXCHANGE STARTED ONCE HE SAW MY FILE, THAT'D ALSO BE FUNNY). But if Lucifer ever scolded me in Spanish, I'd fr burst into tears and turn into the biggest goody two shoes 💀 (for at least a few days). Like I already hate being lectured, but something about it being in Spanish just 😭 it feels sooo much worse (maybe because there's so much emotion in the language? Dialect? Very big disappointed mom vibes.)

also IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME CONFESSING, THAT'S FOR SURE. Or if I did, it'd be in the most round about way or by accident (catch me pulling a Mammon like in that car ride drabble.). I am saying it in EVERY WHICH WAY except saying 'ily' outright.

It wasn't my day for dinner but you came home sad, and suddenly I'm cooking and it's your favorite dish? Psh, don't mean nothing, I was craving it too. I found a super shiny coin and gifted it to you? I have plentyyy (don't think about the fact I keep shiny coins from the current year in my bag for good luck, and it's the first one I've found all year). I'm spending my last pieces of grimm to buy us a treat to share bc we passed our exam? Well, it'd be wrong if I only got myself one... (true story, spent my last $10 on chipotle kids meals for me and my friend/coworker so we could eat because we were both broke and had two days left to payday)

Mammon will need to grab me by the shoulders and shake me because I would not believe he's into me. I'd come up with an excuse for any evidence that he is into me 💀 He could be like "GET IT THROUGH THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS THAT I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU!" and I'd be like "you wot? you're joking right?"

like I said, I'm denying it to hell and back because it's scary af !! I've only been in love 2.5 times, and the first time I was brushing off my feelings and making excuses. And then one day I had the "Oh. Oh... Aw, fuck." moment and became a mess around them. I've always been wary of romance (my only relationship ended up toxic, and I became more wary lol)

But the same thing happened with Mammon becoming my fave 😭 I was thinking about other characters (along with Mammon) like Levi, Beel, and Dia. But then everything about Mammon made me fall a little more without realizing, even while I was trying to deny it. I'd get asked my fave character, and I couldn't choose, but Mammon was always an option. And one day I had the "Aw, shit" moment. He won me over with his dumbass ways, heart of gold, and terrible bandaging skills.

*head in hands* THIS MAN MAKES ME WRITE ESSAYS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL AAAA

anyway I am excited for the new lessons !! my cards are powered UP ! also I got a sketch and lineart update on one of my comms and 😭🫶 literally wanted to jump around at work because it's so perfect and cute (it's me and Mammon cuddling in bed AND RHEY PUT HIM IN A TANK TOP SND YOU CSN SEE HIS MUSCLRS AKDKD)

anyway. I am. so Normal about this. aha... OKAY I AM SENDING GOOD VIBES, AND HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY DAY AND FIND $10 ON THE GROUND TOMORROW (ALSO APPLIES TO ANYONE READING THIS) OKAY BYEEE

- ✨ anon

Disappointed mom vibes lolol. I think that would suit Lucifer really well, actually. He has those vibes anyway, make him lecture in Spanish and it's just even better~

Er. Well. I like when strict characters start scolding people, so perhaps my opinion is invalid in this case. I just find it very funny and it makes me want to tease them so bad.

Anyway, here's my opinion on romance: yes, it's scary af. But it's worth the risk.

Any time you enter into a relationship with someone, especially if there are intense feelings involved, you're taking a risk. No matter what, even in friendship and other such types of relationships. The way to get close to someone is to be vulnerable with them. And there's always the chance that the person you're being vulnerable with will take that as an opportunity to hurt you. But not everybody will. And you'll miss out on the people who won't if you just... don't even try, you know what I mean?

Ehhhh sorry to get all deep on you like that, but I've seen this kinda thing plenty of times in my life. I'm that person everybody tells all their relationship woes to and then I give them advice that they never take. And then it always turns out that I was right all along lol.

I also kinda think it's okay to fall in love with someone but never act on it. Sometimes it feels like I fall in love with everyone I meet. But sometimes you legit fall in love with someone who just... isn't the right one for you. And you know it, so there's no point in trying to pursue anything. And the feelings fade as that person moves on with their life and it just becomes a fond memory.

For what it's worth, I don't think Mammon would ever give up on you. He's not as dumb as everyone makes him out to be. He's actually quite emotionally intelligent. As soon as he finally figured out his own feelings and was able to accept them, he would clock onto yours. And if someone straight up told him (such as one of his brothers), I think he'd keep reaching out to you, keep trying for you, keep doing his best to make it so you're comfortable enough with him to be honest about how you feel~

Anyway, this is just me being a hopeless romantic lol!

Welcome to the Writing Essays About Fictional Characters You Love Club! lol honestly I get so embarrassed about how much I have to say sometimes...

I'm also excited about new lessons! And your commission sounds amazing already!

Sending the good vibes right back to you! May we all find $10 on the ground!!

[adamprrishcycle]

Okay, you want to talk Ronsey, you better buckle up! (This is going to be long, sorry!)

As the formerly known TRK Anon, I can confidently say that trc is still somewhat fresh in my mind, so I have lots of examples to support my argument. Now, given that I have only read the series once, my character analysis might not be as deep or intense as yours.

If you don't know already, I am a huge Gansey lover/supporter/follower/fan/worshiper/bitch. (Will Patton’s rendition of Gansey drives me absolutely feral!!!!) I have loved him since the very first time we know about his existence (Which is page 15 of TRB). If Gansey is part of the equation, I ship it! Bluesey, Ronsey, Declansey, Adansey, HELL…even Chengsey (I could care less about Henry, so the fact that I acknowledge this ship is a big gesture on my part) I just want to make it clear that I am not an Adansey hater, it's just not my kind of jam (*shrugs*)

I know that what Gansey means to me, Adam is to you. But Adam was tough for me. Like REAL TOUGH to discern. It was not until halfway through TRK (practically when Pynch becomes canon) that I was finally able to appreciate him, to see him eye to eye and say: You ARE knowable. I will give it to Adam, he has the best, most memorable, character growth/development in the entire series (Ronan being a close second). But his stubbornness during TRB/TDT was so unbearable to me. He was such a DICK to Gansey. And yes, there were instances when Gansey deserved it (like the hospital scene) but most of their interactions (at the beginning of the series) are somewhat tense. They are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger/offend/provoke the other. There are MULTIPLE references to them fighting pre-canon, mostly about money, occasionally about who owns who. The whole DC trip was so stressful for all parties involved. In fact, Adam was so unapproachable that Gansey and Blue kept their relationship a secret because of how difficult he had been back then. (Honestly, I think he would have unalive them both) Plus, he is a hypocrite (I guess we all are) because when the rent thing happens, he goes to Gansey first and throws a fit about it!! But when he finds out that Ronan actually paid his rent, he is “cool” about it. He doesn’t argue with him. He doesn’t feel offended. He just accepts it (it being both the money and the fact). The one thing that really upsets me is Adam wanting the favor for himself. I understand why he wants it, but he knows it is Gansey’s life purpose to find Glendower. It feels like a betrayal, you know? I just cannot stand people being mean to Gansey, it triggers me!!!!

And yes, I get it, there are some good moments between them. Like the call with Mallory when Gansey is trying to make Adam laugh. Or Adam fixing/diagnosing the pig. Or the two of them being ushers on Raven Day. But these moments are so…normal (mundane?) that they don’t feel special.

To me, Adansey is a somewhat “toxic” ship. It is a one-sided relationship, because Gansey gives and gives and Adam refuses to take. Adam practically (and literally) loathes? abhors? despises? everything that Gansey stands for (money, friendship, status, family, you get the gist). How can you possibly love someone that is the poster child of everything you hate?! I think Adansey would be the perfect ship for enemies to friends to lovers.

But Ronsey, oh my dear Ronsey!!!! To me, Ronsey is all about Gansey and Ronan meeting before Niall’s death. The way Gansey describes Ronan before his father’s death is so intoxicating. Gansey mourning the joyful boy that Ronan used to be. Gansey getting emotional over Ronan’s laugh. Gansey being completely and utterly amazed by Ronan’s dream creations (“You incredible creature”). Ronan being unconditionally devoted to Gansey. Ronan being devastated that Gansey has other friends; that Gansey is going to DC with Adam and not him. Ronan and Gansey. Gansey and Ronan. Maybe I am not making any sense right now because my brain convulses just thinking about these two.

They have been through it all. God, there are so many moments pre-canon that I wish we could get to experience. Can you imagine Gansey panicking at the hospital with Ronan’s blood in his hands? Can you imagine Ronan teaching Gansey how to punch?! I can’t remember if canon ever confirms how Gansey acquired his journal, but can you imagine if Ronan bought it for him!?!?!

@singersargentboi said it best: “The thing I love about Ronsey is that even in the books theres this sort of unhinged devotion between them that toes the line at being romantic/sexual.” Let’s unpack this together. Exhibit A) Kavinsky’s substance party. O.M.G. Gansey being such a deranged version of himself that even Ronan cannot stop smiling about it. (“What is it my dog needs?” JUST KILL ME ALREADY) Exhibit B) Ronan dreaming the keys to the Camaro in such a steamy delicate way that I am pretty sure he woke up with a tent in his pants. Exhibit C) Gansey bribing a full-grown adult for Ronan. Exhibit D) Gansey constantly scolding/disciplining/bossing Ronan and somehow stopping the Lynch brothers from killing each other. Exhibit E) Ronan going back home against his dad’s wishes, but still turns to Gansey for comfort (“Can I go and see mom?”) And if all of this does not convince you, I’ll leave you with this: “Gansey was far more of a brother to Ronan than Declan had ever been.”

However, I come to you with a peace offering, a secret third option: RODANSEY. Throughout the series it is constantly noted that 3 is the perfect number for magic ;)

THANK YOU FOR SPILLING YOUR THOUGHTS INTO MY ASK BOX 😍 this is delish and wow a HOT TAKE (to me, a simple woman who will live and die on the hill of adam parrish 🫶) although I understand your grievances from a protect-gansey-at-all-costs point of view! I think you’re right about them having the potential to be a toxic ship because of how much they fight. What’s funny to me is how it seems like they don’t understand each other… yet there’s at least 3 times in TRB alone where they communicate just by looking at each other which is amazing considering from what we know they have only been friends a few years but they’re that close and on that exact same level together. But then… they’re not. I think Adam has just had to rely on himself for so long that he can’t reprogram his brain to think differently, and gansey has had loving parents and a good sibling relationship and intense friendships therefore he can’t even begin to understand adam. They’re on diff planets right? They can’t relate to each other in any way shape or form. But then…. love comes along and makes it work??!??! This is why I’m an adansey girl.

BUT everything you said about ronsey…. That ferocious love I will never ever be over it ever 🥹 unhinged devotion is exactly right. And we all know the when I’m gone dream me the world quote but FOR ME it’s “he couldn’t say it, though. There were a thousand reasons why he couldn’t say it” like???? We were just supposed to move on from that? I can’t I wont.

(side note cuz I gotta defend my boy declan and say he is the best brother ever and I will not expand at this time bc spoilers but the dreamer trilogy will)

Rodansey…… now you’re talking my language. Truce? 🤝 thank u for this ask it’s made my day xx

[duskcecropia]

Dawg I am BEYOND tired of seeing people romanticizing Bpd and people with Bpd. It is genuinely disturbing to me how normalized it is too. A quick scroll on TikTok and you will find people being like “When she’s literally obsessed with me 💕” or “POV: I have a girl with Bpd so she’s utterly in love with me and never leaves” or some other TikTok slideshow bullshit.

(I have made this partly factual, but a lot of it is very personal. please read at your own leisure.)

To me, it is utterly dehumanizing. As someone with Bpd, I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. I struggle almost every damn day to control and regulate my emotions so I don't blow up at someone or breakdown over something I MADE UP to sabotage myself. I am not some fucking character who will do anything to have you or will kill just to be with you. I am a REAL PERSON with a VERY REAL AND MENATLY CRUSHING MENTAL ILLNESS. I am not some one-sided person with only one goal. I am just like literally everyone else on this goddamn planet!!!!! I just act and think differently!!!!!!! And honestly, do any of you people realize what you are asking? Do you REALLY know what you are getting into? Because it’s uneducated people like that who romanticize Bpd to the point where others think it’s “only obsession”.

And boy do I have a HORRIBLE surprise for you. Lets have a little psychology lesson, shall we?

According to NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)*, "Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others." (This is sectioned under "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?")

"People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

Other signs or symptoms may include:

Efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as plunging headfirst into relationships—or ending them just as quickly.

A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance misuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. However, if these behaviors happen mostly during times of elevated mood or energy, they may be symptoms of a mood disorder and not borderline personality disorder.

Self-harming behavior, such as cutting.

Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats.

Intense and highly variable moods, with episodes lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger. Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality."(This is sectioned under "What are the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder?")

I am no expert and I do not claim to be, but I know for a FACT that most if not majority of people who romanticize Bpd don't know ANYTHING about what actually goes on in someone with Bpd's head. From my experience, it is never quiet. In the back of my mind I have a small but convincing "voice" that tries it's hardest to make me crack. And by crack, I mean believe it's false and twisted words. For a hypothetical example, Say one of your friends goes a while without texting you. a rational mind would say "they're probably busy, or not going on their phone at the moment". Someone with Bpd would probably think this too at first, but their very unhelpful little voice in the back of their head would chime in. "But what if they're doing this on purpose? What is they think you're annoying? You are annoying. That's why they won't talk to you. You're being too much of an inconvenience so they've found other people to talk to." People with Bpd tend to become more irrational due to a false sense of distrust via these thoughts. it can be extremely devastating to one's mental health and make them feel insecure. it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

BUT!!!!!!! While this mental illness is absolutely terrible to deal with, there are ways to treat and cope with it. While it seems like hopeless and never-ending, there's always a way to make the best of it. You just have to discover what works best for you. ^^

In conclusion; Bpd is no joke, and it shouldn't be taken as such. I would go into more depth, but it is very late while I'm typing this and I need some sleep. Please do your research before making this heinous shit online, if anything it just shows idiocy, immaturity, and lack of understanding. Of course I know I cannot change other's opinions and there will always be people like this, but I can only hope this post sheds at least a little light on this topic. If you've made it this far, thank you for taking time to read this, and have a wonderful rest of your day/night.

*source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder#:~:text=Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,impact%20their%20relationships%20with%20others.

[starlightbooklove]

Let's talk about Nesta Archeron and ACOSF

Pt. 2.

At first, within Nesta's perception of hatred and annoyance and alcoholism, we can understand why she is upset when they stop giving her money and take her to live in the house of the wind, like she is an alcoholic, she is traumatized, it is understood, and in fact it is something that is maintained in the book the idea that not having something to drain her emotions and the pressure of her power, energy and shitty attitude would give way to these to make her and others' lives (more) miserable, it makes sense, and the narration help us to see that in her mind she was controlling her own fires until they took the extinguisher from her, although obviously that is not the case, I repeat it is her perception of the help they're giving to her, because To the surprise of the fandom, Nesta thinks of herself the same way we do, as someone bad, miserable, ungrateful and selfish, she knows it, she hates it and thinks/knows that everyone around her feel that way about her too, and here we have the way for a GREAT story, cause we understand both parts of the story, the ones who want to help her and the one who needs help. Sadly this was done halfway.

But Let me explain why:

Nesta finally accepting love with Cassian is not an arc, but part of it.

Nesta making friends and being cute and ultimately vulnerable with them is not an arc. And don't get me wrong, I love their friendship and I defend it but it should be part of their growth, not all growth.

Nesta saving Feyre is literally the least you can expect from someone who loves you And has the power to help you , I don't take credit away from what she did, but her sister had been doing practically the same thing her whole life, I repeat, I don't take credit away, but that can't be all a character does to redeem themselves, It was a beautiful, deep and intense moment, but it deserved a conversation afterwards, where at least Nesta could say sorry for having been so shitty, her act of love does not erase everything she did, ("Are you demanding an apology?") Yes, one thing ACOTAR does is raise awareness of Tamlin's abuse but never of Elain and Nesta's abuse of Feyre, for years, Elain is Nice and everything but, took place by not doing nothing and she was at least thankfull, but Nesta 😬 I don't even have to mention it.

The biggest thing I feel like she fell short the most was mainly that she never apologized to Feyre And that there was no conversation about trauma and true healing between the sisters, (And it's not just because I like Feyre), and it's super wtf because she accepts that she wasn't good to her, (it was the complete opposite) And yet, she never apologized (She had plenty of reasons to do so, mainly her own life) and something as essential as this in this kind of story escaped the author.

Feyre deserves an apology, she doesn't need it, Nesta does, Forgiveness can be healing for both the one who gives it and the one who receives it, and in a character like her, it is the pinnacle of everything, it would have been what, with fewer sexual scenes and something, more would have closed the story perfectly.

People take it as that we are being unfair to her, or that we are making it about Feyre, when obviously it is going to be made in part about her, (She is the reason why she is still alive), And when it should be something important for Nesta once she decides to change Also, her relationship with her sisters should be the first thing to address in all of this, since it is the source of the family trauma The root of several of Nesta's fundamentally bad attitudes, and it cannot be resolved by snapping your fingers and everyone is already friends.

A detail that I have also noticed is how Nesta's progress is slow, and no, no one should criticize the progress of others, but this works against the book Because we can't see the results of what she 'advanced' we can only see a process not the result, because even what she did for Feyre in the end is part of her process. Realizing that you have to allow yourself to feel even though sometimes it's all pain and all, that's not a result of a redemption arc, it's part of it.

Again I go to Chaol, half of Tower of Dawn is him being a bitter 'old man', who is up to his neck in self-loathing and self-pity at the same time, there comes a moment when he realizes that If he continues like this, he will not be able to fulfill his mission, then that reasoning turns into if he did not find a way to see this differently, I will not do myself any good until this resolution saves him from his wound And at this point the book does not end, in fact it reaches a point where Chaol returns to the physical state that he felt was a prison but sees it in a completely different way, In a healthier way for him and those around him so that he no longer sees everything that gets in his way as an obstacle, and his honor as something so black and white. THERE IS a beggining a hitting of rock bottom and Then a climb up, the detail with Nesta is that we only reached her starting to climb, they did not show a change on her part towards the IC, her sister, her entire environment, That she could completely and truly show us how dedicated she was to her change as a person and that is why the arc is incomplete and even falls apart.

I have said it before and I say it again, it is not a bad book, it just has parts that could easily be used to really develop her change and growth, and for this reason it could have been much better.

As someone who suffers from anxiety and quite a bit of overthinking, seeing a character who put herself down so hard made me feel like what I was experiencing wasn't something small or silly, and this kind of depiction (like Feyre's depiction of depression and self-loathing) cannot be ignored, and I think the biggest distractor of this is the very book that presents it, wich is fricking ironic.

Finally, An 'I love you' is not a 'sorry' telling the person who saved your ass all your life I love you is fine, the moment was beautiful, but just because Feyre forgave her doesn't mean that Nesta asked for forgiveness and in this kind of book with this kind of character, that is supose to be learning to accept the emotions and the damage he can and has done and do something about it, it is a little necessary.

Just a little bit yk

I've already talked about this, but the pregnancy thing obviously plays a role in Nesta, this is her bottom of the shitty life she has built for herself This is the point where even she was shocked at how fucking far she could go with her evil and contempt for everyone she saw what she was made of and how pathetic she was and yk the drill she escapes, reflects, breaks down and puts herself back together, but she never apologizes.

And honestly, I care more about this apology than what she could have done for everything else, because you have no idea how much damage it can do to a pregnant woman to find out about something so serious The way she did it, when she found out about it, she was able to easily start labor there, in fact, when I read it I thought that was what was going to happen, and yes, let's make it clear that the IC not telling her was wrong, and while they are not to blame for Nesta's violent reaction (no one is to blame for anyone's actions, unless they were coerced, which is not the case) But they are partly because of Feyre's reaction, because something I have realized is that Feyre can forgive Nesta practically everything, and I think it didn't hurt her that much (obviously it hurt her but she was worried about what he said so it was in the background) at least not as mucho as it hurt her that she had not found out from the people she trusted the most (We don't know much either because the book is not from her POV, but it is assumed from her subsequent reaction), And while we understand the reasons behind keeping the secret, I'm not defending them, Feyre deserved to know from the beginning, that's clear. I brought up the topic because I know it is something that also causes debate in the fandom, but the point is that even if we don't count what happen before they were turn faes, there's still something that gives space for an apology, Especially because Nesta knows how much she screwed up that time.

If you're going to make a character screw up to that level and then literally make her reach her limit and still not take her to the thing that made her take an entire intervention then It misses the whole point of being a better person or even this kind of book

Sooo... Yk a little hey sorry to cause you a pain of a heart attack with the news that you and your baby might die 😬 (the fact than this would have been Even better that what happen it's Ridiculous).

She apologized to Amren, but not to Feyre like... what the hell?? Why does this make sense??? It has no sense, even if we argue that Rhys would kill her before letting her near his wife, it can easily be dropped because Feyre would have given her sister a pass if she had asked to talk in the first place. Rhys would have watched like a damn eagle (rightly so) and the entire IC would have been on full guard but it could be achieved.

So why on God's name that didn't fucking happen

This pisses me off because it's so much wasted potential.

I'll explain a little more bout how the arc would be much more completed in the next part, hope you're enjoying 🤗

[initiumseries]

Can you list the best asian dramas you ever watched?

Oh 100%. Now this is in no particular order. So I'm gonna combine best and most compelling. Some dramas I watched weren't necessarily "The Best" but they held onto me and I think that's worth noting.

Goblin The Great and Lonely God

This drama, is a drama I'd pay money to have my brain wiped of memories of so I could watch it again for the first time. Everything about it is so good, so emotional, and it's literally changed the landscape of kdramas since.

Touch Your Heart

Lee dong wook and Yoo in na's reunion drama right after goblin is EXACTLY what we needed and it was such a perfect, quintissential romantic comedy drama. Exactly what got me into kdramas in the first place.

Hi Bye Mama

I've said this before, but this drama was...whew. It's weirdly slept on, because it's the first drama that made me CRY, cry. So worth the watch.

Navillera

Not necessarily the best kdrama I've ever watched, but you put young people in need of a parental figure and old people in need of a young person together and you've got me HOOKED. I will watch ANYTHING kdrama related with young folks and their grandparents. I'm very close with my grandfather so this drama MESSED ME UP. So emotional, so good.

Something In the Rain

this drama was like...it took over my life, made me SO FUCKING ANGRY, and then like ruined me. Their chemistry was INSANE, and it elevated the emotionality of their relationship. Also the cinematography was so...thoughtful. They deliberately filmed it so their intimate moments felt like we were spying on them a bit, and I really liked that idea of seeing them behind bookcases while they're cuddling to watch tv etc. They felt like a real couple.

Crash Landing On You

It's just a drama you have to watch. Nothing I can say about it will make sense. But when you watch it and see them AND the second leads together? Bro.

Princess WeiYoung

This was one of the first c-dramas I actually sat through. The backbiting, the scheming, the costumes, the sets, HOOKED me. I was IN. And THEN their chemistry?!?! LOOK at how he's LOOKING at her. Ugh.

The Rise of the Phoenixes

So, I know I'm alone in this, but this was one of the most thorough and intense dramas I've seen. The attention to detail really resonated with me. It's like, the definition of a slow burn, but their chemistry is CRAZY, the acting is top tier, the sets, the costumes, the drama. It was all just such a feast. Even the fact that, there was no dub for this drama, the actors read all the really challenging poems they recited themselves, the meaning behind everything, was sooo cool. The director's cut saved it, I know, but I felt like they could've cut some stuff out to keep it tight. Such a melancholy drama from beginning to end.

The Story of Yanxi Palace

I am a messy bitch who lives for drama and yanxi palace DELIVERS. All the women are insane, and compelling, and NASTY. And I LIVE for that. I've been watching kdramas a long time, and I was so happy when they finally got to the point of making their female leads have personalities and not be doormats. So when I started getting into c-dramas, the thing that hooked me was that the lead female characters were often women with strong personalities, smart, and simply limited by the circumstances of the world they live in, but even with those restrictions, they exercise such power within those boundaries that I LOVE. This drama does all that and more. A+.

Misty

this drama is so tough for me and zalrb. It was SO COMPELLING to watch. Kim Nam Joo is RIVETING to watch, and it was her comeback drama and boy did she come BACK. I remember rushing home from work to watch the next episode because I had NO idea where it was gonna go, and the TENSION between her and the guy not her husband was STRESSFUL. But whew the fucking whiffed it at the end. It's so unfortunate because a tight ending would've sent me over the edge. But alas, this was (minus the ending) one of the most compelling kdramas I've ever watched.

Till the End of the Moon

Jesus christ. This drama was so FRUSTRATING. But their relationship was compelling, HE was compelling. Tantai Jin was SO incredibly interesting to watch and it felt like watching an actor level up as you're watching. I'm generally not a fan of fantasy C-dramas bc the cg is ALWAYS awful. But I just ffwrd through most of that stuff to watch the relationship stuff. I felt like there was a stronger way to tell this story, but they were compelling.

I feel like I might be missing some but these are the ones I thought of right away.

[thelordofgifs]

Anyway some thoughts on part 18 of tfs because sometimes self care is lying in bed on a Saturday morning analysing your own fic. I like this part a lot actually, but it’s also very self-indulgent. There is a battle going on outside and I should be dealing with that! But instead I am going to make the little guys have dramatic conversations!

So this part is mostly about slowing the plot down for a bit to do character work – for Maedhros and Maglor mainly, Fingon and Curufin are both involved but I wasn’t really focusing on what’s going on in their heads here. Maglor in particular has a lot to do in part 18. Since the stabbing he has generally been very Wise and Kind and Patient which is all quite nice but also! I wanted him to be snappy! I wanted him to be determined to save Curufin’s life and also be SO annoyed that he has to do it! I wanted him to verbally rip Curufin to absolute shreds, which. I think he did. Better than Fingon managed, anyway. Maglor knows how to hit at Curufin’s worst insecurities – his weird relationship with his father’s legacy, and the fact that his son disowned him – and he does just that. Without spoiling too much, I am setting stuff up with Maglor and Curufin and am SO glad I get to write them interacting now; it’s a brotherly relationship that fascinates me.

Anyway still on Maglor: he isn’t doing very well. Because! being stabbed by your brother whom you love more than anyone else in the world because he thought you were literally Sauron is Intensely Traumatic! But also he has no idea how to deal with this at all. Because he isn’t angry with Maedhros – he knows it isn’t Maedhros’ fault – but he also can’t forget. And he’s started flinching when Maedhros moves suddenly and he doesn’t mean to but he can’t stop. Almost all the conversation between Maedhros, Maglor and Fingon is from Maedhros pov – with a little omniscient head-hopping because I’m allowed to do that – but there was a lot I was trying to get across about Maglor’s emotional state too. He’s deeply unhappy basically. And that’s important because the story has focused so much on what’s going on in Maedhros’ head – and will be again now that he’s remembered – but he is not the only person with a lot going on atm.

But also, Maedhros! The central conversation of part 18, in which he confronts Fingon and Maglor, was very important to me. Maedhros has not had much agency lately. (In fact, for such a central character, he’s had very little agency throughout tfs. He’s much more reactive than the other protagonists: he doesn’t cause plot events so much as respond to them.) So I wanted him to be rightly frustrated by all the secret-keeping, and even to take it out a bit on the two of them. Particularly snapping at Maglor felt quite necessary – Maedhros and Maglor have been very gentle with each other throughout the story, but they do still have Tension sometimes. And then when he finds out about the whole cancelling-the-patrols thing, he’s initially upset, but by the time Fingon finds him he’s gone kind of composed and existential about it instead. I like Maedhros to be unpredictable, even to those who know him best: they don’t really have any idea how he might react to any given piece of information. (This is a quality of his I think is quite strongly based in canon. Abdicating, standing aside at Losgar, forming the Union instead of going after Lúthien, even searching for Eluréd and Elurín: he tends to do the unexpected.)

Anyway, it was important I got all this character work in now, because of course we are now at the Revelation and once again into very high angst territory. It’ll be fun!

[rviner]

for BELLA 👪 / for ODESSA How does the character express and handle emotions?

BELLA

I'll write about them all. I think something stuck with me a while ago where Nadia mentioned in a thread how Bella is a lot like Aaron, and it really has stayed with me ever since. So, I get the impression that her father was someone she turned to a lot in her life. I think also the fact he was an earth witch too meant she learned a lot from him, and I think after his passing she's felt this huge void in her life and worse of all she knows it can't be replaced.

With her mother, I think Bella has an abundance of love and respect for her especially for having four children and for having the pressure of being the heir to a family company. It probably has been since her late teens and early twenties that she's been able to articulate all of that though and I get the impression she was a bit huffy as a younger teen because Nadia seemed strict.

Sebastian and Bella's dynamic is funny to me because it really is so sibling, for the most part they're actually just floating around doing their own thing and don't really tell each other much. They disagree more on the big things and agree more on the smaller things in life, but it does amuse me that they've literally never once had a falling out or argued because they squabble like a debate team instead.

Nick and Bella's relationship is really cute to me because they're similar and I think Bella really appreciates that Nick has this light and bright personality. They usually agree on a lot but ironically in comparison to Bella and Seb, it means their disagreements can be way more intense because they're so rare and it actually upsets them more. Bella thinks Nick is a great example to look up to in life.

Bella and Prim are adorable to me because they're very different but Bella admires her sister's blunt honesty and thinks it will allow Prim to go far in life. She's protective over her but also views her as like a little bestie and she always wants to hang out and catch up with her. They have had their moments where they've fallen out in the way only sisters can, so there are some HCs of some intense fights but that was typically when they were way more hormonal LMAO

Aunt Gen! I think Bella loves that her aunt is like a breath of fresh air and she really makes her laugh. We have some cute HCs of Gen always dragging Prim and Bella shopping when they were younger and I think those sort of memories stick with her. I've said that Bella's love of high heels comes from her aunt and I think in general, Bella definitely turns to her for some amusing but no nonsense advice and trusts it wholly.

ODESSA

I don't think Odessa is afraid of expressing or dealing with emotions, but I think there's an element of where she's had to guard herself for so long in her life that she prefers to keep a cooler demeanor around others and handle the rest by herself when she's alone. There's also the Slavic influence of her upbringing too where she can seem very to the point, which is misconstrued as possibly her being quite cold but it's not the case at all. Odessa accepts her feelings on things and doesn't run from them, but it's definitely a private thing to her.

[danse--macabre]

24, 26, 28!

24. What do your characters think about marriage? Are they for or against it?

Oh! This question! This question is juicy

Trying really hard not to derail this one with Tirazel/Wyll because I think his third romance scene would derail and escalate into a gigantic angsty argument about marriage

SUFFICE TO SAY, Tirazel & Astarion are absolutely not about the married + detached suburban home + 2.5 kids lifestyle. Good gods, no! They abhor the idea. In fact, they deliberately spend the first few months post-parasite travelling, a different city each week, a different roof under their heads, a different challenge and a different thing to relish (it is not the wildly indulgent rich party couple holiday they want it to be and it is hampered by many things, but that's a discussion for another time). But suffice to say: they are not getting married.

Tirazel has particularly strong feelings on this: she was raised to be a marriage candidate for Baldur's Gate's young (or not so young) patriars, to help consolidate her father's power within the city and fuel his need for 'legacy' and 'dynasty'. Marriage, in Tirazel's opinion, is a cage designed to entrap its participants, particularly wives. She spent as much of her adolescence and adulthood resisting this (foiling match-making attempts, developing a reputation as a particularly nasty and unlikeable young woman, running away to study magic, running off with a charlatan, running off with a warlock, studying death magic, etc.) and was punished severely for this. She is never, ever, ever getting married - especially not to a man.

Astarion is much more neutral, but thinks the concept is silly, is 'not really for the likes of his kind', and certainly isn't going to get Tirazel to do anything she dislikes so vehemently on principle anyway.

That said - they do in many ways act like a married couple. They're in a committed, long-term relationship and expect to be each other's forever. I think after Tirazel helped Astarion defeat Cazador (his abuser), and after Astarion helped Tirazel face her father/elder siblings (her abuser + enablers/potential heirs to that abusive position), there's a real sense of... I think they both feel like, wow, this is it, we're in it for life now, through thick and thin, through everything.

(Which, IMO, they should question a bit, they've only known each other for a few, intense months in a very abnormal situation - and I think later down the line they realise, oh. We don't need to be codependent. And shouldn't be, either. But that takes time. They were each other's saviour, which puts them in a strange position.)

Anyway. They're almost sickeningly couple-y by late Act 3 (hilarious given Act 1 Tirazel will say 'I like him because he's so obviously not sincere in the slightest <3', way to go with healthy relationships girl), but more so than that, I do think post-canon they do end up throwing this extravagant, wild anniversary parties every five to ten years that basically feel like a wedding in the sense that everyone gathers, they're meticulously planned, aesthetically glorious, feel and seem fabulously expensive (some favours are pulled...), involve a lot of dancing, and are often very emotional affairs where people get quite drunk and talk about how much they love each other? Also, usually guests end up hooking up with someone unexpected. They're wedding-esque romps.

26. Do any of them have bad habits that the other can't stand?

Tirazel is.... hmm, how to put this kindly? 'Tirazel is a bossy boots little princess' feels unfair but it is literally the exact situation. She's been raised as nouveau riche noble-to-be, the darling debutante used to having exact control over everything within certain parameters (but also complete lack of control outside of those parameters), and will boss people about without even thinking. Much of this is harmless and even well-meaning ('I will do this for Astarion because I am sure he'll like it') but also some of this majorly grinds against Astarion's need for his own autonomy, and this results in major fights until they can hash out clear boundaries and Tirazel learns to be far more conscientious of this, and learn to ask first consistently.

A good example of this is a debate they have about how Astarion dresses. They both have strong and educated feelings about fashion, and Tirazel disdains Astarion's taste off-hand as being hopelessly out-of-date and makes arrangements to get new, far more modern and fashionable clothes for them both (she does not throw anything away, she's not that clueless - just offers to get new things), but this leads to a major argument when this was done without his consultation (he also doesn't like the proposed tailor, he actually thinks his clothes are fine thanks, he wants to have complete freedom).

Honestly, if Tirazel wasn't so ready to admit fault when she did this, the relationship would be in tatters. As soon as Tirazel actually realises she's pushed him in this particular way, she tends to step back, apologise, and try to fix things, because I think she does respect his autonomy at core, she's just.... Tirazel was a person who was imprisoned in her own home for a long time and got used to people in her immediate orbit either being living servants, undead servants, or hostile threats, and no more. I think Tirazel wants to learn to be in a relationship between equals, I also think that she does learn to ask, even over the smallest of things -- and it becomes an established rule that they both stick to, even if it sounds quite silly to the outsider.

On Tirazel's end, she has no patience for hints of possession, even in casual language. None of the 'you're mine / I'm yours', none of the 'I belong to you', no 'I'll ruin you for others' or 'I'll make you mine and mine alone' that other people seem to adore with their vampire fantasies. Absolutely none of that. She's, similarly, got a fiercely independent streak, though Astarion tends to unwittingly cross that boundary with words rather than actions.

28. Are they affectionate in public? Is it too much?

I think it's too much most of the time! Tirazel is deeply, deeply affectionate in private but she's used to putting on a front. I also think she's not someone who touches others casually or easily in conversation. I think it's also.... she doesn't 'do jealousy', she's uninterested in trying to show off how she 'possess' Astarion (ew), she doesn't see the need most of the time?

If they were ever grossly affectionate in public, it was in the Act 1 stage where they were both playing to a script, Astarion was the perfect seducer and Tirazel was the perfect seductee, which they both thought was somewhat trite and silly, and they would be extremely open and gross about PDA just to annoy people. It was a game of chicken - how long can you sloppily make-out before other people start retching.

But after things became serious? No. That was just for them. Not for others.

So what you usually get in public between Tirazel and Astarion is usually lingering touches, intense eye contact, knowing smiles, and chaste little kisses. The word 'later; is something they learn to tap out, using code, gently onto each other's wrists, backs, shoulders, if they're looking for more afterwards.

Around friends, they're a lot more relaxed - they're no longer 'showing off' as they used to, but the touch-barrier dissipates then. Tbh, I think given both Tirazel and Astarion have a complex about being 'the pretty thing on display', it is a relief to tone it down (most of the time), though that doesn't stop Astarion occasionally egging Tirazel and asking if she wants to scandalise [important person] with their salacious ways.

[sleepingpopplio]

Observations for Bnha volume 37’s cover

Ok there is so much going on in this cover that I don’t even know where to begin and it’s pretty difficult for me to articulate my thoughts when I get scatter brained like this, so here are some important observations I made.

The cover looks similar to the draft version of volume 29’s clover, with the feral deku front in center mourning his injured friends. Except this time, it’s just him and an injured Bakugo— both have a feral deku, and both have an injured, unconscious Bakugo 

This cover reminds me of certain comic book illustrations of heros holding injured friends/loved ones/family members in their arms. I am not implying anything in particular, take that information as you will, but it definitely does display closeness between Izuku and Katsuki. 

The red used in the background is pretty much the exact same shade of red as the cover of volume 10. Both of these volumes also include hand imagery, as the force of AFO (with Shiguraki under his control/manipulation) stands in their way as heroes and in the way of their development as people and friends

The color same shade of red also appears in many other volumes, such as volumes 2, 8, and 12

This is clearly a pattern, and brining things back to volume 10 again because it is the most similar in terms of design motifs, we are coming back

Red is an extreme color, and is typically used to indicate danger, violence, and general intensity. It is also the color of blood and as we know, Katsuki’s blood has been spilt in an attempt to get to Izuku (which worked before Mirio stepped in as an emergency therapist lol)

@siflshonen told me that red in a Japanese cultural context, red can mean happiness, and is used for special events such as weddings. I’m personally not thinking too hard about this, but it’s still an interesting and thought provoking fun fact I found out as I was trying to dig around for info! (Also, take this information as you )

The red string of fate also exists in Japanese culture. The string is typically depicted as being tied to fingers, and interestingly enough this cover is filled with fingers in the background that happen to be red. Now I am taking this one more seriously, as this could be a sign of how Bakugo and Midoriya’s fates are intertwined within both their lives and the legacy of AFO & OFA (they each represent one half of heroism— saving and winning— afterall) (ps. I’m not necessarily implying a romantic subtext to this, but I do think fate is a key part of MHA’s story and Bakugo and Midoriya’s close relationship)

The colors of Deku’s new costume currently seem to be inconsistent throughout all the images we’ve gotten of it thus far. WHERE IS THE REFERENCE HORIKOSHI I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT COLOR IT IS

Not having character references is an artist’s worst nightmare, trust me

Deku’s face is covered by his cape. This was shown in multiple chapters, but clearly horikoshi wants us to notice as it is front and center. The last time deku’s face was covered was duing the vigilante arc, and I’ve already talked about how much trauma and pain he was trying to hide during that time. This is probably a similar case

We cannot see his expressions with his mouth, so we have no indication on whether he is smiling like he does when he wants to save, or a frown like when he wants to destructively win

This is not a good thing— this is a warning to the audience to be on the lookout for some more moral dilemmas and emotional hurdles for deku to overcome. 

Finally, it should be noted that this is the 3rd volume cover to just have Bakugo and Deku on it— no one else. The first one was volume 2, then volume 29, and now volume 37

The volumes start with a literal rift between Bakugo and Midoriya, and they clearly are on opposing sides. We then transition into Bakugo reaching his hand out to (kid) deku, and the gap between them is now being bridged by Bakugo’s outreached hand. We then end with this volume, with Deku supporting Bakugo’s body. The point I’m trying to make is that they ae slowing getting physically closer to eachother with each of these 3 volumes. This clearly shows the growth and recovery of their relationship.

In the 2nd volume I mentioned (volume 29), Bakugo is reaching his hand out to deku while in this volume (volume 37) Deku is putting his hand on Bakugo, almost like he is accepting the hand that Bakugo offered to him. Of course he can’t physically reach out to Bakugo’s hand since he’s kinda sorta dead at the moment, but the symbolism of accepting Bakugo’s hand is there.

Also quick shoutout to @mettywiththenotes for being the first post I saw to mention the similarities between the covers for volumes 10 and 37, right after I was shouting about it to people on discord lol it made me really happy

[73chn1c0l0rr3v3l]

Hey, other Chibnall era/13th Doctor fans, a word in your ear?

I get the annoyance that y'all are feeling at all the people going "oh, Rogue was so much better than anything with Yaz and Thirteen, this is such better rep etcetera etcetera" - I feel that same annoyance. Having our favorite era constantly being shit on and being compared (negatively) to the current era is horrible and obnoxious and annoying, and I really wish people would stop doing it! Trust me, I am entirely in your court on this. If Thirteen has a million defenders I am one and if she has one defender I am one and if she has none I'm dead or however that meme goes - you get what I mean.

But you know what's EQUALLY shitty?

Defending Chibnall's era by going down gender essentialist or homophobic roads. WLW (or lesbian or queer women's or whatever term you'd prefer) relationships are not inherently more deep or emotional than MLM/queer men's/gay/etc just by dint of the gender of the participants. You can have women in fucky, weird horny relationships with each other and men in deep, emotionally resonant but not demonstrative relationships with each other.

15/Rogue and 13/Yaz are two very different relationships, with two different iterations of the same character. 13 as a character is an open wound - she had just lost her best friend and seen her companion cyber converted and died trying to save a group of people in a move that was ultimately futile. This on the aftermath of losing people and losing people and losing people (Donna, the Ponds, Clara), from losing Gallifrey, from discovering that she wasn't who she thought she was due to the Timeless Child. To say nothing of the Flux.

To say nothing of the fact that by the time we get to Legend of the Sea Devils, 13 literally knows she is going to die.

TIME: You can leave here, but you won't outrun me. Your time is heading to its end. DOCTOR: No, it's not. You're wrong. TIME: Nothing is forever. No regeneration, no life. Beware of the forces that mass against you. (sotto) And their Master. DOCTOR: What do you mean? What do you mean, their Master? TIME: I restore you, Doctor. Reunify you. But for how long?

Thirteen is a person who knows she is going to die, who wants to love and wants to care for people, but is so afraid of how much it will hurt them when she dies, of how much it will hurt her knowing that they're hurting. She's in pain and she's sad and she loves Yaz but she can't let herself take that risk, can't do something that cruel. She loves so hard and so much, and she says "If it were anyone, it would be you" because she has to let Yaz know that if she COULD, she WOULD, but she can't. She can't pass that pain on, she can't open herself up like that, she can't take that risk.

Their romance is a tragic one, and I eat it up with a spoon because that is the kind of yearning adoration that makes me want to die (positive).

Fifteen is not in pain.

Fifteen is, by his own admission, someone who's gone through rehab. We can argue about how much of that is just the Doctor being the Doctor (so a lot is beneath the surface), but he is a lot more emotionally open. More than being emotionally open, he seems utterly and intensely dedicated to having FUN, look how much FUN he's having (he really is taking after 13, I love it).

Him and Rogue were two strangers who met each other in an adventure and had a fun connection. Utterly different vibe to Yaz and Thirteen - not better, not worse, just different. And yes, it's resonating with people in a different way because it is a different dynamic!

(It didn't do anything for me, but I'm not interested in M/M. I'm glad for the people who are enjoying it!)

You can definitely tell people off for being obnoxious about your preferred ship without diving into gender essentialism. I promise. I have faith in you. You can do it.